


Armin's Important Research

by Reikukaja



Series: Reddit Festival Crackfics [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Erections, Penis Measuring, Penis Size
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 10:26:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13545429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reikukaja/pseuds/Reikukaja
Summary: Armin stumbles upon the research of a mysterious doctor, which hypothesizes that a man's height is the biggest factor in determining his... penile length. This discovery sets Armin on a harrowing journey that will change the way he views the world – and how the world views Armin.





	1. Armin's Day Off

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the r/ShingekinoKyojin Chapter 102 Festival. This was my first attempt at a crackfic. I am both proud and ashamed... but mostly ashamed. I hope this makes you laugh....or something. 
> 
>  
> 
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> 
>    
> [Inspired by this beautiful Reddit post by u/Kemorsky. ](https://www.reddit.com/r/ShingekiNoKyojin/comments/7kw64a/manga_spoilers_important_research_about_male/%20)

Armin loved off-days. As a cadet in the 104th Training Corps, he got very few of those. Armin liked to spend those days in the library, reading books and learning things that would hopefully be useful someday. This is exactly what Armin was doing today, as he paced through the rows of books in the small library located at the center of Trost district.  

In truth, very few books in this library would be considered useful to someone in the military. Armin was sure he had read most of them at this point – the books on herbs, military formations and history, even cookbooks. Armin was looking for something different today. He wandered into the small section of medical texts. Armin was _not_ a doctor, but perhaps something in one of these books would help him save a life someday. If it helped even once, it would be worth it. 

Armin ran his finger down the spines of the books that lined the shelves in front of him, humming to himself. Many of these books were surgical notes – so almost completely useless to him. Despite his desire to help, he sincerely doubted he would ever be desperate enough to actually cut into one of his comrades in an attempt to save their life. 

Most of these books were written by renowned doctors in the walls.  Armin had heard of all of them, until he came to a book at the end of the shelf authored by a "Dr. Kemorsky".

Armin had never heard of this doctor – which he thought was strange. He thought he knew of every prominent doctor within the southern walls. He considered that perhaps this Dr. Kemorsky was from one of the northern districts, and the book had somehow made its way to Trost. 

Curious, Armin pulled the book from the shelf. He opened it to a random page and briefly skimmed the contents.  Dr. Kemorsky's notes were very research-oriented. It seemed that he liked to look for correlations between variables, such as suffering and physical attractiveness (apparently, suffering makes you better-looking). This doctor also liked to include random doodles of "best girl" (whatever that means) in the margins of his notes. Armin noted that these doodles vaguely resembled his friend, Mikasa.

While flipping through the pages of random notes, a folded sheet of paper fell from the book.  Armin bent over to pick it up, carefully unfolding it. He expected to find another drawing of "best girl", but his eyes went wide when he realized it was something else entirely. 

_"My Research on the Correlation between Height and Penile Length"_

**_WUH???_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ ](https://imgur.com/Fy00Jmk)


	2. 11.93 cm

 

This research could  _not_  be real. There was no way. As horrified as he was, Armin could not stop reading.

_"After 50 hours of research, I have determined that a fully-erect penis equals approximately 7.32% of its owner's total height."_

No. There was no way this was real. To Armin's horror, the research did not stop there. The strange doctor had also included a data table in this research. This table listed various heights, and the assumed "erection size" of someone with those specific heights. Armin knew he was 163 cm, and his stomach felt queasy as he found his height in the table. He was afraid to look....

And then he looked.

Armin immediately knew that coming to the library today was a mistake.

11.93 cm?????

Armin held out his fingers to visualize what 12 cm looked like approximately. Armin hadn't paid particular attention to the size of his nether regions. He always assumed he was average. If this research was to be believed, Armin was  _far_ below average. He wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry.

 _'Maybe this doctor doesn't know what he's talking about,'_  Armin thought to himself.  _'This research doesn't necessarily mean I am tiny.... and even if I am... does size even matter?'_

Armin needed to learn the truth. Everyone had the day off from training, so he would have time to conduct his own research.... but how? He couldn't just go around asking all of the guys how big their penises are. He would look like a freak.

A wave of relief washed over Armin as he came to a sudden realization: he wasn't the shortest guy in the 104th. Connie was. If there was anyone who would want to help disprove this research, it would be him. Armin did what any rational person would do. He slipped the folded sheet of paper back into the book, tucked it under his arm, and left the library in search of his bald friend.


	3. Shortibois

Connie was the shortest guy in the 104th Training Corps. Surely, if there was anyone Armin could talk to about this without feeling embarrassed, it would be Connie. It helped that Connie took absolutely nothing seriously.

Armin ran as fast as could back to the barracks, where he knew he would find Connie goofing around with Sasha.

"Connie!!!" Armin shouted, as hurried into the building.

"What?" Connie replied, without taking his eyes off the potato on the table in front of him.

Connie and Sasha had been spending their free day carving potato-sculptures. Armin had to remind himself just how weird these two were, and that there was no way Connie would be phased by what Armin was going to tell him.

"I need to talk to you," Armin almost whispered, the urgency of the situation was audible in his voice.

"So talk to me then," Connie said, still not looking at him.

"Connie!" Armin grabbed Connie by the shoulders, forcing him to make eye contact. "I need to talk to you in private,"

"Okay then," Connie grumbled, annoyed. "Let's go talk I guess."

Armin grabbed Connie's arm, and pulled him to the far corner of the room, where they wouldn't be overheard. Many members of the 104th were hanging out in here today. Armin was not ready for everyone else to hear what he was about to tell Connie.

Armin hastily pulled the folded sheet of paper from the book, and passed it to Connie.

Connie furrowed his eyebrows as he read the page's contents, and then his eyes got wide. He bursted into laughter.

"Is this what you spend your free time doing Armin? Measuring dicks?" Connie was almost in tears now, the laughter overwhelming him.

"Don't laugh!! This is supposedly legitimate research!!" Armin tried to yell while also maintaining a whisper.

"What the hell?" Connie looked over the sheet again, before Armin tore it from his grasp.

"How tall are you?" Armin asked, completely serious.

Connie looked up at the ceiling for a moment, thinking. "I think I am about 158 cm."

Armin searched the table for that height, and read aloud the presumed erection size for someone with a height of 158 cm.

"So you should be about 11.56 cm, when fully erect. Does that sound right to you?" Armin knew he was being very direct, but he didn't care. He needed to know the truth.

"What the fuck, Armin?" Connie looked at Armin like he was losing his mind.

"Please. I need to know if this research is legitimate," Armin pleaded.

Connie sighed, and held his fingers out to visualize what 11.56 cm looked like. "I mean..." he paused. "I've never really measured myself when I had a boner... but I guess this seems about right..."

"Shit," Armin sighed, under his breath.

"What's wrong?" Connie asked.

"Connie," Armin started. "This research suggests that we are absolutely  _tiny_."


	4. Hung Like a …. What???

 

Jean spent his off-days training. It wasn't required, but he figured it would be a good way to get ahead of the competition in the 104th. If he was going to rank in the top 10, he needed every advantage he could get. Luckily, Marco was willing to join him. The two of them had spent most of the morning practicing with the ODM gear. They had worked up quite an appetite, but Jean wanted to shower before grabbing something to eat from the mess hall. He was  _filthy_.

Jean walked into the men's showers with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. He expected to be the only one there this time of day, but he was surprised to find Connie and Armin already there when he arrived. He thought nothing of it at first, until he realized they were staring down at each other's naked bodies... looking at their junk.

"What the actual fuck are you guys doing???" Jean exclaimed, too late to pretend he hadn't seen anything. What the hell??? He would have avoided the showers had he had known this was what he would walk into. Connie and Armin? Really? He never suspected that either of them was the least bit gay... Well... maybe Armin... but not Connie.

They both turned to look at Jean after his remark. Armin was holding a.... a ruler?

"I'll repeat my question," Jean stated, his horror plain in his voice. "What the fuck are you two weirdos doing??"

"We're measuring dicks!" Connie laughed.

Jean's jaw dropped.

"W-Why??"

Connie and Armin exchanged a look before turning to stare at him again, and Jean immediately regretted coming to the showers.

"How tall are you, Jean?" Connie inquired, walking toward him and getting a little too close for Jean's comfort.

Jean had really tried not to look, but as Connie walked toward him it was obvious that Connie had a boner.

"Get the fuck away from me!!" Jean yelled, backing away. "Why the hell are you turned on right now??"

"You get a more accurate measurement if you measure while you're hard," Connie shrugged, as if what he said made perfect sense. "But seriously, how tall are you? 173 cm?"

He was still too close for comfort, and Jean was hesitant to answer the question... "175..... why?" He didn't want to know the next question they were going to ask him. He held his towel protectively around his waist, and wasn't sure he had ever been so uncomfortable in his whole life.

"So..." Armin looked up, calculating something in his head. "You should be almost 13 cm when fully erect."

"Armin," Jean stared at his friend, shocked. "Are you okay?? Did you hit your head or something??"

It was then that Armin told Jean about the sheet of paper he had found folded in a book at the library. The two shorter guys begged Jean to measure himself there for them, and insisted it would be easier to do if he thought of Mikasa first. What. The. Fuck.

"No. Absolutely not! There is no fucking way I am doing this for you guys." He would NOT budge on this. "I came here to take a shower, but if you guys are just going to be fucking creepy, I think I'd rather never take a shower again." He turned to leave them to whatever it was they were doing.

"Please Jean!!" We don't know who else is safe to ask!!" Armin pleaded.

"Look," Jean turned around, feeling bad for the two of them. "If you want to know if this research is valid, wouldn't it make sense to go to the tallest people in the 104th? If it's accurate, they might be willing to confirm what that research seems to suggest."

Connie and Armin both stared at Jean, as wide grins slowly began to take form on their faces. "You're a genius, Jean!"

"Uh... sure. Just... just forget that I was ever here." He left the room, happy to have preserved at least some of his dignity. A shower would have been nice, but today the cost of that shower would have been too great. He would come back later....  _Much_  later.


	5. Colossal

Armin and Connie had a good idea of where they would find Reiner and Bertolt. It was well known that those two liked to spend their off-days in the woods. They earned money on the side, helping the local townsfolk by chopping down trees that needed to be removed. Ever since the fall of Wall Maria, there was no shortage of trees that needed to be chopped down. Every bit of land was precious now, and large forested areas were a luxury that the people of the walls could no longer afford.

Armin also suspected that that was how Reiner and Bertolt got into such good physical shape. In terms of muscle, no one in the 104th even came close to those two. They were perfect physical specimens, and Armin admitted to being a little bit jealous, especially when Shaddis made frequent comments that "Arlert is built like a daffodil."  _Ugh._

Armin and Connie walked until they heard the familiar sound of an axe striking wood. Before walking much further, they began to hear voices the confirmed they had come to the right place.

"So... you think I've got a chance with her?" Armin recognized Reiner's voice.

"Um... Sure Reiner," replied a meeker voice – probably Bertolt. "Don't you think you should be worrying about other things right now? Like our mi-"

Bertolt's statement was cut off as he noticed Armin and Connie approaching. He looked kind of nervous to see them, but Bertolt always looked nervous.

"Hey guys!" Connie shouted, announcing their arrival.

"Oh hey Connie... Armin.. What are you two doing out here?" Bertolt was one of the more reserved members of the 104th - but he was always willing to help. Armin hoped he would be willing to help in the way that he and Connie needed.

"We were actually looking for you guys," Armin answered. "We uhhh.... we were hoping you could help us with something."

"Whatcha need?" Reiner asked, putting down his axe and walking over to where the other three stood.

"Well... you see..." Armin began. He figured it was best to be upfront with them. He would tell them the whole story. "We were wondering if you guys could --"

"We want to know how big your dicks are," Connie blurted out, unceremoniously.

"Connie!" Armin yelled at his partner in this, flustered. "You can't just ask people how big their dicks are."

Bertolt and Reiner just stood there, staring at both Connie and Armin with wide eyes.

"Um... what?" Reiner asked, smiling in disbelief. Bertolt simply turned red and began to sweat profusely, without saying a word.

"We found this dumb research," Armin added, trying to recover from Connie's outburst. "It says that erection size is directly correlated to a man's height...."

"oh my god... he said erection," Bertolt muttered under his breath, getting progressively redder.

Reiner burst into laughter.

"Ah!!" Reiner exclaimed. "I see. So you came to us because we are the tallest."

"That's right," Armin nodded, ashamed.

"So..." Reiner began, smirking. "I suppose Bertl here is the one you really want to talk to, huh?" He chuckled. "You want to know if he has a  _colossal_  dong?"

"oh my god Reiner... please stop," Bertolt buried his face in his hands, as he surpassed all expectations for how red a human could possibly get.

"Please tell us!" Connie demanded.

"Sorry to disappoint you, but that information is for Bertl to share," Reiner said, slapping his hand on Connie's shoulder. "I wouldn't be much of a friend if I spilled his  _giant_  secret against his wishes."

"….and I am not talking to you guys about this," Bertolt mumbled into his hands.

"See?" Reiner said, "He doesn't want you to know. Maybe you should get Annie to ask for you. I'm sure that would change his mind."

"Reiner, I am going to fucking kill you," Bertolt whined. He then looked over to Connie and Armin. "If you guys say anything about this to Annie......."

"Don't worry!" Armin interjected. "We won't get her involved, I promise."

Bertolt sighed in relief.

"What about you, Reiner?" Connie asked.

"Sorry," Reiner shrugged. "That information is for the ladies only."

"Ughhh," Armin grumbled. "You can't even give up a range of possibilities?"

"Maybe if you were my future wife..."

With that, Reiner picked his axe back up and went back to the tree he had been chopping at before they arrived. Bertolt stood there, unmoving and with a look of pure horror on his face.

Connie and Armin walked away in defeat.

...

...

After walking a safe distance, Connie spoke again.

"Ya know...." Connie scratched his chin, and seemed to have an idea. "If Krista wanted to see.. I bet Reiner would show it to her."

"Probably," Armin agreed. "But there is no way we are involving Krista in this. This research can never be allowed to fall into the hands of a girl."

"That's a good point." Connie sighed. "It's too bad there isn't a guy we know who looks like Krista..." Connie's eyes widened as he finished his sentence, and he stared at Armin with a look of mischief that made Armin's skin crawl.

"Connie," Armin shuddered, knowing exactly what his friend was thinking. "No Connie. No. No No No. You can't be thinking..... that....."

That's when Connie and Armin began to scheme.

The plot  _thickens_.


	6. Sorry, Reiner.

 

"You look....  _beautiful_ ," Connie snickered.

"I hate you so much for making me do this," muttered Armin.

"It's for science, remember?" Connie just giggled... and Armin couldn't really blame him.

Armin was wearing a skirt.... specifically, one of Krista's skirts.

Connie had asked Sasha to "borrow" it for them at dinner, claiming he was trying to have one made just like it as a gift for someone else. Sasha did not hesitate to help them out, but Armin was glad that she didn't know the truth.

They waited until everyone else had gone to bed for the night, before finding a secluded area to get Armin prepped.

"I'm really... not sure I can do this Connie," Armin said nervously. "I'm not sure it's worth it."

"Sure it is," Connie reassured him. "We need to know if this research is accurate. It's for the good of mankind, really."

Armin just groaned. He wasn't sure he would ever recover from what he was about to do.

"I promise," Connie continued. "If  _I_  looked like the girl Reiner fancied, I would be dressing up in your place right now."

"I don't think I look like her at all," Armin complained. "But whatever."

They had even brushed Armin's hair so that it more closely resembled Krista's. He hated himself.

"Now," Connie whispered. "You know what you need to do? Got your ruler?"

"Yes and yes," Armin replied quietly, hating himself more with every word he uttered.

"Alright then. Let's do this."

 

The two of them crept through the barracks to where the men's sleeping quarters was.

"I'll wait by the door, like we talked about. Go get him tiger!" Connie pushed Armin into the room silently, and the need for silence kept Armin from objecting any further. If any of the guys woke up now... they would never let him forget about this.

Quietly, Armin stalked through the room to where he knew Reiner's bed was, glancing back at Connie a couple times as he made the trek. He remembered Connie's words as he walked.

_"Just climb into bed with him. If he wakes up, he will think you're Krista – so just go along with it."_

_'Go to hell, Connie,'_  Armin thought to himself.

Standing over Reiner's sleeping form, Armin decided there was no going back now.

He lifted the blanket that Reiner was sleeping under, and slowly climbed into bed with him... One leg at a time. Reiner didn't budge. Armin silently thanked the universe for making Reiner such a heavy sleeper.

It was too early to celebrate though. Armin had successfully gotten into bed with his target, but he still had a job to do. He reached for the ruler he had tucked into the waistband of his skirt, preparing to carry out his mission to the end.

That's when Reiner stirred.

_Fuck_

"Krista?" Reiner mumbled sleepily, looking at Armin through lidded eyes. "What are you doing here?"

_Fuck_

Armin could not reply. His voice would give him away instantly. He did the only thing he could think to do, given his options. He nuzzled his head into Reiner's chest, hoping that would serve as enough of an answer.

"You can stay in my bed if you want," Reiner cooed quietly, stroking Armin's hair.

_Fuck_

Armin wondered what Connie thought of this spectacle, watching from the doorway. The shithead was probably loving every second of this. Fuckkkkk him.

_Focus on your mission, Armin. Just focus and soon this will all be over._

Reiner had already fallen back asleep, luckily.

Steeling himself, Armin clutched his ruler and prepared to go southward and collect his measurements. It was then that he heard voices from the hallway.

"What are you doing? What's going on in there?" It was Shaddis, probably reacting to seeing Connie in the hallway.

_Fuck. No. No. No. No. No. NO._

Before Armin had time to prepare himself for what was about to happen, Shaddis walked into the room, and shouted. "ALL OF YOU WAKE UP!"

That was all it took. Everyone woke up.

Reiner woke up.

The room, now lit by the lantern Shaddis carried, was full of eyes. All of those eyes now stared at Armin in shock.

"WHAT THE HELL?????" Reiner yelled, fully awake now.

It all happened so fast. One moment, Armin was cuddled up against an unconscious Reiner, and in the next he was landing on the floor with a painful thud.

Armin could feel everyone staring at him, and suddenly felt a million times worse about the fact that he was wearing a  _skirt_.

"I always knew there was something off about you, Arlert." Shaddis said, with no humor in his voice whatsoever. "But this... you're going to need to explain yourself."


	7. The Truth (Epilogue)

Armin lost the respect of his comrades that day, when he dressed up like a girl and almost molested one of his friends. He couldn't blame them really. He could no longer respect himself, either.

The punishment Shaddis inflicted upon Armin lasted WEEKS. Since the incident, he had been forced to spend every ounce of his free time just digging holes. Shaddis would come by, tell him that he had dug deep enough, and then tell him to fill the holes again. It was torture.

Armin welcomed it though. He knew he deserved it. He had become so focused on his desire to learn the truth, that he didn't even notice how strange he was acting – or consider the comfort of his friends. He had come to accept that he might never really know the truth of that cursed research.

 

He did eventually learn the truth though.

Sometimes, during his weeks of digging, he had company. Other people still managed to get into trouble with Shaddis, and occasionally he would send them to do the same task that Armin had been set to.

After two weeks of digging holes, Ymir was sent to join Armin for an afternoon.

 

"So what'd you do to end up digging holes for weeks?" Ymir asked.

Somehow, the whole ordeal hadn't managed to spread to the female half of the 104th. Armin was thankful for that. He considered just telling her that it was none of her business, but this was Ymir. If there was anyone in the 104th who wouldn't care or judge, it was Ymir.

He told her the truth... the whole shameful truth. He started with what happened at the library, and concluded the story by describing what it felt like to have Shaddis drag him through the barracks by his collar while wearing girls' clothes.

As expected, Ymir found the story to be hilarious.

"Ya know,," Ymir gasped, between bouts of laughter. "If you wanted to know who here is actually the biggest, you should have just asked me."

"Wuh?" Armin was stunned. "How would you know that? I thought you liked girls."

Rather than humor Armin with a verbal response, Ymir simply... dropped her pants.... his pants?

Armin knew that Ymir was only about 172 cm, not even 10 cm taller than Armin. She (he?) was almost twice Armin's size. Dr. Kemorsy's research had been debunked before Armin's eyes...much to his horror.

On that day, Armin received a grim reminder.... that sometimes, the truth doesn't need to be learned

...

THE END.


End file.
